Tuesday, August 08, 2006

Some of my best friends are...

MEN! Grrrrrrr!

Preface: My high school buddy from waaaay back who is currently a screenwriter in LA sent me an e-mail this morning after an interesting IM last night about why men and women don't understand each other: "Hey Carol, on a research front (for the new story we're doing), can you tell me the thing(s) you hate most about men. Don't hold back. Just the stuff that bugs you."

Can of worms, Matt. CAN OF WORMS! But hey, you asked, so here goes.

First, I absolutely don't hate men. Love the buggers. After all, some of my best friends are men.
Oh wait -- strike that...

Some of my best friends USED TO BE men. It seems that some men (and you know who you are) promise to be your friend forever and tell you how your friendship means everything to them and how you can count on them to be there no matter what... and then suddenly, out of the blue, they're completely silent. Gone. Dead, it seems. But not. And not acting much like a friend at all. Why IS that?

But I'm getting ahead of myself.

So... can we change "what I hate about men" to "what drives me bonkers about men"?

What drives me bonkers about men:

  1. They drop their dirty socks (I had typed "sex..." how Freudian!) directly along the outside of the hamper. A millimeter further and it'd be on this inside of the hamper! Is this a passive-aggressive control tactic?
  2. They stand at an open refrigerator and ask if there's anything to eat. Hey darlin' -- if there's food in the fridge, there's something to eat!
  3. Or they stand at the fridge, staring directly at the strawberry-banana yogurt and ask if there's any strawberry-banana yogurt. I have a feeling men's eyes needs to be wife-voice-activated to actually work!
  4. They can't find something (anything -- wives/girlfriends, fill-in-the-blank) and insist that you must have thrown it out (and likely maliciously) because they "just had it and now it's gone!" Stress-filled treasure hunts ensue, often with garbage cans emptied, just-cleaned rooms turned inside out and blood pressure levels (of all involved) rising significantly. Then, with a timid voice, said man exclaims meekly, "Found it." Which leads to...
  5. They can't seem to muster a sincere apology. It seems to be sheer agony for some men to admit to themselves and to us that they're wrong and to say (and mean) "I'm sorry." Trust me here: we'll see you as stronger, more endearing, more sincere and all-around more loveable if you apologize when an apology is warranted.
  6. They refuse to go to a doctor. Like EVER! This is actually supported by statistics. True story: hubby was up peeing a LOT one night. I asked if he was OK, and of course he said "Yeah, I'm fine" but I knew he wasn't -- and I knew what a kidney infection feels like. I begged him to make an appointment first thing in the morning, but he shrugged it off, saying he'd call if he needs to. Now this is either a very good or a very bad wife, but I knew what was coming, and as soon as I got to work I called the doc and made an appointment for 6 PM that evening. Good thing, too! By 5:00 he couldn't walk. He needed assistance to go into the doc's office and left in a wheelchair -- with a flaming kidney infection. I'm fine, my ass!
  7. They mumble.
  8. They nap on the bed while you fold five loads of laundry... or konk out on the couch while you empty the dishwasher or read the paper while you do the dinner dishes (which you cooked after an 8-hour day at work). They're not doing it to be mean or because houeswork is "woman's work" or any of that. Because really they're not mean and they don't think that housework is woman's work. They do it because they're oblivious. They're a few feet away from you, and they see you toiling away, but it simply doesn't register. Ah, to be so unaware...
  9. They only see messes when guests are expected, and then they wonder why "this place is such a mess." Otherwise, see the "o" word in #8, above.

Ok Matt, that's nine. Good enough for a start? I'm sure it will be added to by my faithful readers. (Do I have any faithful readers?!)

But I really have to follow it with a list of thing I love about men (or MY man, anyway)...

  1. He brings me coffee when I'm posting about things that drive me bonkers about men... and then he retreats back into the kitchen (barefoot, in fact) to wash the pots and pans.

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Heidi on Vashon said...

I so love this post. It is so true.

Amy N. said...

#3. So true. Substitute any item strawberry-banana yogurt and it's still just as true.

#7. Mumble...and then tell you your hearing is bad when you can't understand them.

#10. Every serious conversation runs through a filter in their head that reinterprets whatever you just said into something completely different.

There was a great "What she said/what he heard" theme running on some cartoon strip a few years ago that I always looked forward to reading.

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