Big Day

Although I don't officially begin my new job until this Thursday, I'll be going in to the office for a few hours today for an important "process meeting." Since I've only met two people at the company (a small start-up), today is the day when I'll meet the rest of the staff. So yeah, it definitely "counts"!

And this evening I'll attend the first meeting at the childbirth organization that's asked me to be on their board. I met two of those board members already, but I'll meet the others this evening and they'll -- hopefully -- vote me in.

18 Years Ago Today

Aleks and Kat officially become ADULTS today! My babies are 18 whole years old! They are adults, fergoodnessake! When on earth did this happen?! How did time past so incredibly quickly? I swear, it was just yesterday that...



Seventeen weeks and a few days into my third pregnancy, I brought 5-year-old Erin (as Elisabeth was known then -- her actual first name) and two-year-old Peter to my neighbor's house and headed to my obstetrician's office where Tom would meet me and we'd see the images of our child on the ultrasound screen. The doctor felt that I was a bit large for 17-weeks and wanted to do an ultrasound just to be sure that there was only one baby in my belly. Because I had been large with both of my other children, I had no reason to believe that I was carrying more than one baby, but I was always thrilled to see the images of our moving, "breathing" child inside me so I was more than happy to oblige.

The doctor moved the wand back and forth slowly over my belly. "Well, " he said, "this is indeed interesting!"

"What is?" I inquired.

"This septum here."

"A septum?" I'd never heard of a septum in regards to pregnancy before. "What's a septum?"

The doctor smiled. "The septum in your nose separates your nostrils," he said. "And this septum actually separates your twins!"

I'm pretty sure I tried to speak at that point, but could not. In fact, that's when things went all white and starry. I heard Tom's voice, as if he were on the other side of a long tunnel. "Twins?" he asked. "Are you serious?"

"Oh, quite! Look for yourself!" And there they were: two tiny and very distinct babies, floating peacefully on the screen. No... floating peacefully inside me!

I was pregnant with TWINS! This was no Game of Life; this was REAL! We were going to have twins! The timing couldn't have been better, actually. I was no longer working, we already had the mini-van and the house with the bonus room. Our lives were already completely child-focused. The only adjustment we'd have to make was taking care of two more babies instead of one.

That proved to be much more work that we'd anticipated!

But I'm getting ahead of myself.

At about 28 weeks into the pregnancy, I was put on modified bed rest. That meant mostly lying down, mostly not moving around a lot, mostly not cleaning or cooking or climbing up and down the steps a hundred times a day. And I knew I'd be mostly kidding myself if I thought there was any way I could curb my activity. I was, after all, a mother of two active young children.

Thank goodness for my mother, who flew to San Diego (where we lived) to stay with us until the babies were born. We anticipated a premature birth, but tried to hold on until about 36 or 37 weeks. Once I reached 37 weeks, we were thrilled, knowing that the babies were now big and strong enough to be born. Bring it on!

But nothing happened. I did laundry. I cooked. I climbed steps. And I reached 38 weeks. No babies. I walked (very slowly and wobbly) around the block, I did more vigorous housework. No babies. I reached 39 weeks. Reaching thirty-nine weeks with twins is very rare, and I knew that the babies were benefiting from staying in utero for so long. But I was miserable, and absolutely HUGE.

Finally, just days before I hit 40 weeks -- full-term for a singleton pregnancy, but unusually long for a twin pregnancy -- I began to have some contractions. They were barely perceptible, but they were there. We called the doctor and he told us to head to the hospital. Of course, now I realize that there was probably no need for us to head to the hospital so soon -- and actually, had we waited, I would have probably needed less intervention, but a twin pregnancy and birth are high-risk situations and doctors tend to want to manage them instead of monitor and observe them.

Once we got to the hospital, I was immediately hooked-up (IV, blood pressure, etc.) and put to bed. (Of course, I should have walked the halls to stimulate labor and help the babies settle into my pelvis, but did I mention that this was a high-risk situation that needed close management?!) Not long after I was in bed and lying flat, sounds began to seem muffled and the room became very far away, and I realized that was just about to...

I woke up to a flurry of activity around me. Oxygen, bed adjustment, and being moved quickly to my left side. It turns out that the weight of my belly had crushed my vena ceva and caused me to pass out. There was no way I'd be getting up to walk now!

At about this time, a nurse came into the room and announced that huge things were happening in Berlin -- that Germans had pretty much taken over the wall, with no strong military intervention! Could it be that the border between East and West Germany would be opened? The doctors and nurses could be seen watching the breaking news on the TV in the break room, and there was great excitement brewing, but at that point I was focused on one thing and one thing only -- birthing my twins.

I labored for a few hours in increasing discomfort, but wasn't making much progress at all. There was some concern that my uterus had been so stretched out that it couldn't work efficiently, and before long a C-section was recommended. Again, had I known then what I know now, I might have asked to walk a bit first, but at that point I was happy to do whatever it took to birth these babies, and the sooner the better!

I will never forget the party atmosphere that followed. The sheer number of people -- various nurses for each baby, attending physicians, etc. -- contributed to the party atmosphere. The babies were doing well and not in any distress, so the birth was going quite well so far, in spite of my uncooperative uterus. But it was the news from Germany that really dominated the mood in the room. The wall was coming down! And more significantly, for us at least, the wall was coming down in the land of my children's Opa!

My dad grew up in Chemnitz, Germany -- or, as it was known post-1945, Karl-Marx Stadt. He had not been able to go back home since a bomb had landed directly on his house just a few months before the end of the war, killing his father. And now the walls were coming down -- on the day of his grandchildren's birth! It was perfect!

Kat was born first, at 6:15 PM and weighed a healthy 7 pounds, 1 ounce. She had a head of thick black hair and she was adorable. Her legs were bowed, probably from being wrapped around her brother for months. Her cry was sweet and only lasted a few seconds before she settled down, opened her eyes, and looked around in quiet wonder.

Three minutes later Aleks (then spelled Alex, before he changed the spelling in 7th grade), weighing a whopping 7 pounds, 6 ounces, was born -- reluctantly, furiously, defiantly. 'Put me BACK!' his loud wail seemed to insist, and he held on to the doctor's clamps with such fervor that the doctor laughed as moved the clamps like the top stick of a marionette puppet, with Aleks dangling from them, wailing... seeming to chastise and challenge the poor doctor!

Ah, inborn temperament! What a wonderful thing!

And now... today, 18 years later, my babies are adults! And what amazingly wonderful grown-up people they are! They are best of friends to each other and they each have good friends of their own. They are independent and successful students who are working hard on their college applications (both focusing on UW, it seems). They are both funny, happy, and full of life, and I am so amazingly privileged to call myself their mother.

And a mother is always a mother, no matter HOW old her "babies" are! Right??

A Little Self-Talk

Sit down, Ladybug. We need to talk.

Yeah, we noticed that you haven't landed a job yet. And we noticed that you're beating yourself up about it, wondering why you always seem to be one of the final two candidates, losing the position to someone with more negotiation experience in China or someone who's more technically savvy, or someone who actually likes organic chemistry (or someone who's "not so nice"?!?!).

But the thing you need to remember is that it isn't about "landing a job." It's about finding a fit. It's about engaging your passion.

Your career focus isn't easy to peg. It's not like you're a cook or a doctor or a teacher. There's no one concise title for what you do, and that makes finding the perfect fit a challenge. Sure, you develop media -- but you're not a programmer or a cameraman or an artist. Instead, you manage and coordinate those people... so you're a PRODUCER.

Easy enough. But a producer of what? You, my friend, are a phenomenal producer of materials for kids and youth, preferably media that somehow enhances their day. The reason you haven't gotten (or turned down) jobs that focus on dry, boring content for adults is because... well, because it's dry, boring content for adults!

Remember the "engaging your passion" thing?

Your passion is in creating and developing fun and engaging media for youth. Like FUEL and CHILL and Blue's Clues and Carnival Countdown! Remember how much you loved working on those projects? Remember how you felt that that work perfectly utilized your skills, your interests and your experience? Well, if you remember that and hold on to it, the right fit WILL reveal itself to you.

Which brings us to today's interview -- which has nothing to do with producing media for kids, but which has gotten you more excited than any job prospect in a long time. This one is for an Executive Director position for a non-profit childbirth education and doula organization. Somehow you've made it into the interviewing rounds for this one -- in spite of the fact that your resume only mentions your childbirth education and doula experience in passing. You know why? Because of PASSION. You're a birth fanatic, you love helping birthing families, and you were part of an online birthing community for ten years, so even though your resume focuses on product and program management and educational media production, the board of this organization saw something in you that warrants a closer look.

Remember, too, that you always seem to gravitate back to education. When you looked at returning back to work after your 7-year childrearing hiatus, did you go immediately back to media? No -- you went to the local hospital and told them that, if they'd pay for your ICCE certification, you'd love to teach childbirth classes... because THAT'S where you passion was. And then, later, in '96, after a year designing software, what did you do? You left the high tech industry for a while and went back to teaching childbirth classes... because somehow this passion always finds you and leads you.

And here you are again. Sure, you had an interview with Microsoft earlier this week, and you immediately knew it wasn't a fit. And you have an interview with an online learning database company coming up. But THIS interview today is somehow different. It speaks to a different passion, one that's somehow deeply personal and to which you always seem to return. Remember that!

So stop telling yourself that you'll never get this position because of what you lack (direct fundraising experience, 10 years as an ED of a non-profit, long-term experience working with disadvantaged populations), and instead have confidence in what you could bring to the position -- a combination of business, program management and childbirth education experience, leadership and team-building experience, and passion.

And the key element is your passion.

Now go get dressed (we suggest the flowy skirt, not the black suit), put on a little (just a little!) make-up, and remember what -- more than years in school or number of titles/projects in one's portfolio -- makes anyone good in any job.

It starts with a P, and you have it, my friend.

How a Hot-Flash is Like a Labor Contraction

1.) You know it has something to do with feeling sexy at some point previously.

2.) You know it will eventually subside, but dang! When?!

3.) You sometimes have to stop what you're doing and just breathe... and wait.

4.) You can't describe exactly what it feels like to others.

5.) It starts at the core of your body and emanates outward. (Disclaimer: See # 4)

6.) Having the support of a loved one to get through it is very helpful. It feels lonely without support.

7.) You can feel your body saying to you, "Everything about your life is changing..."

8.) It can make you feel empowered!

9.) It can drain you of all sense of empowerment.

10.) It is uniquely ours as women.

I Can't Resist a Dare

Rebecca, who posted a photo of herself pregnant with her twins, dared me to post a photo of me when I was pregnant with Aleks and Kat (then Alexander and Katherine). It was enough incentive for me to dust off the scanner. So here they are, Rebecca. (I'm well into my eighth month in these photos with Elisabeth and Peter -- one taken on Halloween... I should have painted my belly orange -- and I'm also including our holiday photo of 1989 with all 4 kidlets.)

We never got such good service in restaurants as when I was highly pregnant with twins. I swear, people thought I'd pop at any moment and they were always relieved when we'd leave, unpopped.

Aleks and Kat were induced after 39 1/2 weeks' gestation, and had I known then what I know now about pregnancy and childbirth, I don't think they would have been induced and I don't think I would have had a C-section. (That's a topic for another post...) Unlike many twins, these two were in no rush to make an appearance, and by the time they did arrive, they weighed over 7 pounds each!

If I Were 35 Again

When I was 35 I had a 7-year-old, a 5-year-old and two 2-year-olds. I was a busy stay-at-home mom who had deliberately quit working when my then-5-year-old was born. I had very little concern about my future career, confident that when the time was right I'd be able to jump right back into developing educational products for kids. And, although it happened before the time was right (because Tom got laid off), I was able to jump right back into my career when I went to Edmark as a designer/producer in '95. But while I've loved designing and developing products and programs like Disney and Blue's Clues PC games, classroom manipulatives, and the FUEL and CHILL videos, I can't help but wonder whether I should have followed my other dream.

I am a childbirth fanatic. I'm one of those people who loves learning about and discussing everything about birth -- birth issues, birth options, birthing trends through history, birth stories, etc. I decided to become a Certified Childbirth Educator while I was home with kids because I'd had one quick, easy non-medicated birth (Elisabeth), one long, hard, medicated birth (Peter), and a C-section delivery of twins (Aleks and Kat), and I felt that my range of childbirth experiences provided me with something to offer other women. And of course, I'm an educator at heart so the progression was a natural one. I've trained as both an ICEA Certified Childbirth Educator and a DONA certified doula and I absolutely love helping families through the whole pregnancy and birth experience. Each time one of my students would ask me to attend her birth as a doula, I felt an instant connection to the family and to the baby, and for a while I felt like I had a bunch of little godchildren running around!

Unfortunately, teaching childbirth classes and being a doula never even came close to paying the bills (and actually, I never had the heart to charge for my doula services), so I had to go back to my "real" career when Tom was laid off in '95.

But if I had it to do over again, if I were 35 again, I think I'd apply to the Seattle Midwifery School and become a midwife. It's a far different path than the one I chose (and certainly not as lucrative, which is always a consideration with four college-bound kids) but I think I would have made a great midwife. I know I would have loved it!

Fifteen years ago, midwives practiced on the fridge of both social acceptance and legality, but things have changed and now they are simply a part of the community. Fifteen years ago, leaving the family suddenly in the middle of the night for an unknown amount of time also posed significant logistical problems and were a big factor in my decision to pursue a more dependable schedule and career, but now those situations wouldn't cause any problems at all.

I hate to sound like a pessimist, but it's too late (or maybe just too early?!) to become a midwife right now. I need to support the family and I need to do it now, not "someday." I need to be able to pay for at least a substantial portion of three kids' college tuition from 9/08 to 6/12. I can't ignore those financial obligations. Tom does what he can, but he switched careers -- with my complete support and encouragement -- five years ago, so the burden falls mostly on me... and I'm OK with that. He provided the primary financial support for the family for 18 years; now it's my turn.

But still. I mourn the loss of a career that could have been. And I miss fulfilling a passion that I feel to the depths of my being and that every so often beckons me back. When, if ever, will I be able to pay attention again and heed the calling?

Childbirth Issues: Another Passion of Mine

As I was driving home today, I was thrilled to see this message on a billboard prominently located in our town.

To me, the message is a big DUH. Of course babies are meant to be breastfed! But it seems that not everyone agrees with me. In fact, I wonder whether the corner being ripped is a result of our very wet recent weather... or of someone protesting the existence of such a "controversial" sign (oh puh-leeeeese!) in our little town?!

I don't think I've mentioned on this blog that I'm a Certified Childbirth Educator and birth doula. During my seven years as a stay-at-home-mom, I became more and more interested in helping families prepare for and birth their babies -- especially because I had three such varied childbirth experiences (one completely natural, one with an epidural and a C-section). I approached our local hospital one day and asked what I needed to do to one day teach childbirth classes there, figuring I'd work towards certification and then come back and apply for a job. Turns out, they needed instructors and offered to pay for my certification if I'd start teaching then and there -- which I did. And I absolutely LOVED it! Of course, I got very attached to my students -- especially those who asked me to be their doula -- and I've stayed in touch with them for years since. I miss teaching childbirth classes and helping to birth babies and wish I could somehow fit it into my busy schedule, but alas...

Even after I stopped teaching childbirth classes, I stayed very active with the birthing community online. You'd think this would be a cohesive, agreeable, supportive group, wouldn't you? Well, you'd be dead wrong! The vile, vicious fights that take place within the birthing community -- between the "granola" crowd and the "drug-me-quick" crowd -- are incredible! I fell somewhere in the middle, believing that how a woman chooses to birth her baby is a very personal decision and that her only real obligation is to educate herself and then her decision, whether she births in a tub in front of her livingroom fireplace or hooked up to pain relief in a hospital, should be respected. I think a woman's memory of her birthing experiences are critical and she should do what she needs to do to assure the most positive memory possible -- keeping the baby's health and safety as an utmost consideration, of course. Believe it or not, I got attacked from BOTH sides for my stance! The "granola birthers" accused me of selling out, and the hospital crowd accused me of not being supportive!

For all our in-fighting, though, many of us remained friends -- and some of us even became friends IRL (in real life). I haven't been back to our birth board in a while (AOL's birth options board) though, and I really wonder how everyone is doing. (I just found my way back and posted a hello...)

After my mom died, Dad talked about beginning another phase of his life, and I wondered how he could see his life in phases. But I think I get it now -- and the various phases of my own life are beginning to crystallize and come into focus -- childhood, teen years, young adulthood, "first career," stay-at-home mom and childbirth focus, second career, empty nesting... It's a pretty interesting ride and I can't help but want to sneak a peek at the next chapter!