Branding Myself

I'm thinking that I need to brand myself. When companies brand a product or service, they consider how to quickly convey, in the most impactful and concise way, what their product or service is and how it can benefit the "end user" (customer, client, whatever).

So if I were to brand myself professionally (we'll deal with personal branding later!), how would I do that? Does "Program Manager/Producer/Educator/Designer" (from my resume) do the trick? Probably not. I need something more impactful, something that speaks to both a customer's needs and my expertise -- maybe something more like "I am a dedicated educator, an accomplished program manager, and a creative producer of interactive media and consumer products, with extensive experience managing people, processes and products." That's descriptive of my skills, but does it give an idea of how I can meet a client's needs?

Or am I even to that point yet? Should I back waaaaay up, to the point of exploring what it is that fulfills me? Probably.

My kids think I should be a high school teacher, and I'd seriously consider it if I didn't have to cut my salary in half or more and if I didn't have to go back to school to get a credential. I have a masters in education, but in many school systems that won't cut it.

I'd love to write for teens, preferably health education materials, and I even had an opportunity to do that last year, but turned it down because the content I'd be writing -- an abstinence only sex ed text -- went completely against my beliefs. But if I could find something where I'd really reach teens about topics that matter, I'd take it on in no time flat!

I'd love to manage the production of educational media products -- video, software, print, games (even table-top... maybe even preferably table-top!), whatever. The medium isn't as important to me as the content and the audience. Project management and media production tends to follow the same process, no matter what the medium -- conception of an idea, formulation of a team, refinement of content, assignment of resources, production, peripherals, marketing, launch. Love that stuff.

I'd like to run a hands-on program for youth. Seattle has some amazing nonprofits, like Powerful Voices and Reel Grrls, and some of the groups that we profiled in FUEL are just amazing, like The Body Positive, The Edible Schoolyard, People's Grocery, and About Face. Working with those organizations was more than a job, more than just part of producing a video series; meeting the people who put their hearts and souls into positive youth activism every day transformed my thinking and my attitudes, and nothing I've done since feels as important or as fulfilling.

Maybe that part of my "problem." Since producing FUEL and CHILL, I've worked at Microsoft and with the Gates Foundation, both in education and both in efforts to create something of value that will ultimately benefit kids and education. But none of the efforts I've contributed since FUEL and CHILL have been as raw, as direct, as poignant, and as absolutely life-altering (for me, but hopefully also for some kids somewhere) as those production were, and now I feel almost as if I'm wasting my time if I don't work on something that directly impact kids. Not through slick marketing and not through "hierarchical product channels," but directly and boldly.

So how do I take what I love -- youth, media, nonprofits and writing -- and turn it into something that matters? And how do I avoid getting mired in what I don't love -- corporate politics and technology-for-its-own-sake (instead of as a useful tool)? And oh yeah -- how do I find something that I not only love and do well, but that pays the bills and will help us pay that first of many TRIPLE tuition bills in September, 2008 when Peter, Aleks and Kat all start at the university at the same time?!

OK, so I've done anything BUT brand myself. (Branding is about answers, not about questions!) But hey, it's a start.

And now I'm off to the gym because I'm determined to make some changes in more than just my career.

A Little Self-Assessment

Now WHY didn't I listen to myself back in December when I posted this (or did I?):

What kind of work do I love to do?

• Sheparding projects (programs, products) from inception to completion


• Mentoring people and inspiring teams (Yes, I'm a "people person")


• Organizing tasks (but only if they make sense to me, not "just because")


• Working in the education arena, preferably with kids (from pre-school to high school... love 'em all!)


• Writing/expressing, designing and creating


• Work that does good and changes the world in some small, but real way

What am I indifferent about?

• Budgets (though I have plenty of experience with them)


• Technology (Yes, this is true... even though most of my products have been "high-tech," my inspiration has come from the content more than the format. I'm more "teachy" than techy and more people than programming-oriented)


• Things. Put me with people, not with things!

What work would I refuse to do?

• Work that forces me to go against my values and ideals


• Work that includes large amounts of math (other than basic budgets and timelines)


• Work with mean or persistently negative people


• Illegal stuff

What do I excel at?

• Communication -- via writing, dialoging, team-building, mentoring


• Left-brained endeavors that are creative, subjective, and inspiring


• Product design and development -- from curriculum design to media production to character development to peripheral development


• Planning and carrying through

What am I mediocre at?

• Mediocrity! (Once I start something, I almost always do it with full passion and commitment)


• Paperwork and busywork (Mindless crap)


• 8 - 5


• I'd probably be a mediocre sales person -- unless it was for something I really believe in -- and then I'd ROCK!

What do I suck at?

• Work that I see no purpose to


• Isolation


• Science, math and engineering

This is all still true, which is actually heartening. And if I were to go back to my job offer in December and how this position was presented to me (both verbally and in a written job description), I'd still accept it. It sounded just perfect -- working with non-profits to improve education, leading a team, making a difference. I knew there was very little creativity to the position, but I was able to reconcile that with the balance of mentoring a team in work that matters, which is something else I love. Unfortunately, there was no way to know back then that this job would include some things that I had said I wouldn't want to do. And ultimately, I think it's largely those things that led to this point.

So there's the positive take on this whole thing: I remain true to myself, to my ideals and to my goals. And I won't compromise them, no matter what. I am Carol, hear me roar...

Peter's Tattoo

He's 20; we couldn't stop him.

And ya know, as tattoos go, this ain't half bad. I guess...

Peter's Bavarian Omi is either turning in her proverbial grave or giving him a cosmic high-five...

Loose Ends

I packed up my office today. That was hard.

Yesterday I was more hurt and shocked than angry. Today I'm angry. I can't get into details, here or anywhere else, but suffice it to say that I feel duped. The most important thing I have in my career is my integrity and my reputation and now I feel that I've been put in a position in which I need to defend both.

My only choice is to move on. I don't want to become a bitter, angry person, so I need to focus on the future and its possibilities rather than the past and its injustices. At midnight tonight I'll try to stop being pissed and tomorrow I'll find some way to word a letter to my business network to explain why I'm looking for another job. I don't even know how to begin to go about that.

Jobless in Seattle

I was laid off yesterday.

Two months ago, I was pinching myself at my good fortune and today I'm unemployed. I'm still in a bit of shock, as I didn't expect the ax to fall so quickly, so definitively and so hard.

How did this happen? Well, it came down to this: once I hired a staff it became obvious that my position was superfluous. My contribution became both redundant and tenuous once a very high level Administrative Manager was hired to deal with budgets and administrative duties (a hiring mandate given to me) and once it became obvious that the Project Director would maintain just about full ownership of the project. A few weeks ago, I handed my 4-page job description to both my bosses and asked, "What on here is still mine to own?" And they both agreed that most of the duties and responsibilities were owned by, or at least shared heavily with, other positions.

The organization was generous with me as they ushered me out and adding anything more here would jeopardize the situation, so we'll just leave it at that. But it's sad and frustrating and very emotional. The work I'm most proud of is the hiring of an amazing staff -- a staff that I unfortunately won't be working with. That's the hardest part. The job itself wasn't creative in the least and had very little connection to actual school reform and activism, so in that way it really wasn't a fit.

Now what? Now I take some time to re-assess. What do I love? What do I do well? Where is my passion? How can I best contribute? What should I avoid? My bores me? What am I just not good at? How do I do what I love and make a living at it? Hell, if I didn't have to make a living and send three more kids to college, it'd be easy. I'd write those novels that are swimming around in my head. I'd write a book profiling 50-something women -- their lives, their fears, their dreams, their joys, their secrets. I'd travel and take that slice out of my life that I often dream about. ("For three months, take a slice out of your life, LIVE it, and then return to your life, no questions asked...")

Maybe it's time to focus on me for a while. I gained too much weight in the past year because I don't move enough and because I've been stress eating. I don't write enough -- or certainly enough of substance. I don't spend enough quality time with my husband. Maybe he and I should take a quick trip to Mazatlan. Or (and?) maybe I should find myself a cabin in the woods and just write and reflect and re-energize.

I need to look at this as an opportunity... because really -- it IS.

Crap Comes in Threes

This happened to Kat's car last week, in front of the high school.

This happened to Aleks' car this evening, in front of our house. (Yes, the cops think there's a connection... though both Aleks and Kat insist that they know of no one who'd do this...)

And tomorrow morning I have a meeting with both my bosses, one in California and one in Seattle, to discuss the future -- or lack thereof -- of my position. No, not due to incompetence (I hope). Once I hired the (fabulous) staff of eleven, it became obvious that just about all the responsibilities this position was supposed to have fell into others' domain. I'm hoping there will just be a restructuring of sorts, with me doing some California based work remotely in addition to what I'm doing now. But I need to be prepared for a lay-off.

Yes, I do feel duped.

It really hasn't been a grand week.

April 11, 2004...

...was the day Mom died.

I miss her every day.

Planning for College: A (Terrified) Parent's Tale

In September, 2008, three of our four children will enter the university. Peter took a year out after high school and is attending the local community college for his first two years, and Aleks and Kat will graduate from high school in June, '08 and head right to the university, so it just turns out that all three will head off to school that September.

Not only will three tuition checks be due that month, but Tom and I will very suddenly become empty nesters that month as well. I'm not looking forward to being an empty nester, but I'm not too worried that the kids will suddenly be out of our lives, because it looks like Peter, Aleks and Kat will all attend in-state universities -- Peter to "Wazzu" (Washington State University) and Aleks and Kat to "U-Dub" (University of Washington). Out-of-state schools have essentially become unaffordable. Elisabeth's out-of-state tuition at Cal (UC Berkeley) doubled during the three and a half years she was there, from about $26,000 per year her freshman year to over $42,000 her senior year! As much as we try to be fair, that kind of tuition times three is simply an impossibility, so it looks like these guys will just have to all go to in-state schools.

I took the day off work today and Kat, Aleks (that's him sagging... grrr!) and I headed to UW to get a better feel for the campus. (Peter is already set on WAZZU.) Elisabeth, who is an avid school-a-holic, joined us, showing up in-- and flaunting -- a Cal sweatshirt! We explored the political science department for Aleks and the Health Sciences department for Kat and were even treated to an impromptu dorm room tour by a "cute blond coed" (for Aleks!).

By the end of the day, Kat and Aleks were pretty certain that they each want to go to UW... and I was pretty certain that I better put a little more money each month into their college accounts.