In two days we’ll get the results of Tom’s biopsy. It’s been an excruciatingly long month and at times I felt like I couldn’t breathe. But since last Tuesday, when Tom had a biopsy on his prostate (he was a trooper, the perfect patient), it’s been easier to wait instead of harder – which has surprised me.
Quite honestly, I’ll be pretty shocked if either extreme happens – if he doesn’t have cancer at all (a PSA of 49 along with a palpable mass kind of belies that possibility, much as we hope otherwise) or if he has cancer and it’s spread beyond his prostate. My realistic hope is that it’s contained and therefore curable.
Fingers crossed and all my energy is focused on good (or at least not awful) news on Tuesday. I think I now understand prayer and meditation a bit better… and I do think they’re similar. Both help me breathe out completely, focusing on the positive. For weeks, I breathed in and in and in, and hardly breathed out, and I exhausted myself. Once I could focus on breathing in, full of positive thoughts and energy, and then breathing out fully, letting go of negativity, I felt much better. Maybe this is what prayer feels like too?
While we wait, Tom and I have stayed VERY busy, he in the backyard and me in the front. First, his amazing creation. Remember this water feature that Tom’s been working on? Well, look how far he’s come! Much of it previous to this weekend…
(Yes, he inlaid hundreds of black pebbles in the grout in a cool pathway, down the steps and around the patio!)
Many of the above photos were taken in the past month – since Tom has been sick. This really doesn’t look like a man with cancer to me!
This weekend, just days after he had 14 needles shot into his prostate (ouch – it hurts prostate-less me to type that!), he did this:
He demolished a good portion of the wood steps that have been her since we bought the house in ‘95 and replaced then with these HEAVY stepping stones that will take people around the deck out-cropping so they don’t bump their heads.
Then he created what we’ve been calling the ‘bell tower.”
About 30-some years ago, Tom’s parents visited Arcosante, an “experimental town” in Arizona, where they bought three bells made by Paolo Soleri. Unfortunately, Tom’s parents never put up the bells; instead, they stayed in a box until this evening, when Tom hung them on the “bell tower” next to the water feature.
While Tom was busy in the back yard, I decided to pretty much get rid of most of the tired, overgrown, dried out plants in the front yard. Just look at this mess!
After a full weekend in the dirt, the refreshed front yard looks much happier!
(That stepping stone was my gift to Tom on our 25th wedding anniversary, six-plus years ago.)
You know those people who love to garden? I am SO NOT ONE OF THEM! I actually hate gardening (especially weeding)! But I wanted to spend the weekend both distracted and doing something that nurtured life and health. Not that I think it will make any real difference on Tuesday, but at least my energy went toward the new, healthy growth and that, if nothing else, felt good. (And believe me, not a single muscle in my body feels good right now!)
I will blog what we know once we know it and, if appropriate, once we have told close family and friends. Thanks for your continued good thoughts. We need them now!