The Gottman Institute broke up with me

It wasn’t me, it was them.

But still, I’m sad.  I went from Microsoft where I really had no core-level belief in their “mission” (if you can call it that) to TGI, where I had – and still have – an absolute core-level belief in their mission.  What the Gottman Institute does for couples and relationships is astounding, and wonderful, and life-changing, and I am so incredibly proud to have been part of that.

Like many companies that evolve from passion and a deep commitment to a good cause, TGI grew as a business almost in spite of itself.  It grew because John’s sound research and Julie’s amazing clinical ability are exemplary, and because people relate to– and many people desperately need -- what they have to offer. 

To their credit, they didn’t bring in a bunch of MBAs to run the business.  But I don’t think they were ready for me.  I came in with extensive business experience, from product development to marketing to training to project management, and for a year I was in constant “C’mon!  We can DO this!” mode. “Let’s re-brand!  Let’s market!  Let’s offer our trainings online!  Let’s get our products on the front table at Barnes & Noble!  Let’s develop a strong social media presence!” (That, we did, and it is rocking, thanks to a few very passionate people.) 

“C’mon!!”

They’ll get there, but first they had to make some tough cuts.  As much as I hate losing that job, I agree with where they made the cuts – at the department head/director level.  Now they have a core team of people who can go head-down and work hard at building the business from the ground up.  The passion for the mission is still very much there.  But now they have to grow the business. 

They’ll grow again and they’ll need strong leadership… and just like a jilted lover, I’ll be there when that time comes.  

For now, I’m at the very beginning stages of my next venture – and adventure.  I’m going to start my own business!  You’ll be hearing more as my plans percolate, but suffice it to say that there’s a reason that www.carolsnider.com was available!

If only their love maps had been stronger, this could have been prevented!

Since working at The Gottman Institute, I have a whole new perspective on relationships and keeping them strong.  I would have loved this video before I worked at TGI, but I have a whole new level of appreciation for it now.

Had this guy known his wife better – had he really understood her inner world (that is, had their love maps been stronger), he would have known that getting her a dual bag vacuum cleaner for their anniversary wouldn’t go over well and he could have stayed out of the dog house.  (“You dual bag!”)

I am still giggling!  Kudos to JC Penny for thinking outside the box and making great use of social media in their marketing!

My first blog give-away: a Gottman Love Map iPhone app!

This is not an advertisement, I promise.  It’s just me talking a bit about my job at The Gottman Institute and about the Gottmans’ theory of what it takes to keep a relationship strong – or to begin to repair it.

Oh, and there’s also a giveaway (and some links).  Thus the “markety” feel.  Forgive me.

So this is the Sound Relationship House: 

If you go to our Couples Workshop in Seattle (which, I promise, is relationship/life-altering!), you’ll hear all about it, because it is the theory that the Gottmans devised based on their 35+ years of academic research. The first three levels of the Sound Relationship House focus on a couple’s friendship, which is the foundation of a strong relationship.

The first level, building love maps simply means maintaining an awareness of each other’s world.  “Simply” is actually a misnomer. Once lives get busy with kids, careers, mortgages, etc., how often do couples renew their knowledge of each other’s inner world?  If you think your partner’s favorite rock band is still the BeeGees, you might want to renew your love maps – which is what my little contest is all about. 

But we’ll get to that later.

Expressing fondness and admiration for your partner is a second important level of a sound relationship.  You know when you think I really appreciate that my husband can fix the car’s carburetor (or make a delicious meal) or I really appreciate that my wife takes care of the bills (or fixes the carburetor)?  This is all about actually expressing that fondness and admiration – like verbally.

“Turning towards” is so important and so simple, but is often not done… or not responded to.  Turning towards are bids for emotional connection.  If your partner says “Look at that beautiful flower coming up in the garden,” you have a choice of responses, from “Wow – it is beautiful, let’s start our own nursery!” (enthusiastic – and maybe a bit unrealistic -- turning towards) to “Nice!” to “Uh-huh” (still both considered turning towards) to ignoring your partner (turning away) to shushing or rejecting your partner -- “Can’t you see I’m busy?!” – which is vehement “turning away.”  Turning toward and responding to your partner’s bids for connection can take a micro-second, but collectively they are very significant and even predict whether a couple will divorce or stay together.

If a couple is strong in the first three levels of the Sound Relationship House – if they know each other’s worlds, if they share fondness and admiration, and if they turn towards each other instead of away, they are in the Positive Perspective, meaning they are more likely to give each other the benefit of the doubt and their emotional bank account is solid enough that their relationship can handle a few slip-ups here and there. 

The next level of the Sound Relationship House deals with managing conflict – which every relationship has.  I could go into a great deal of detail here (and the Gottmans do – in fact they spend an entire day on it in the workshops), but here is the essence:

• Practice self-soothing to keep calm when you feel physically and/or emotionally flooded. 
• Use softened startup. (A harsh beginning usually means a harsh conversation.)
• Discuss problems - move from gridlock to dialogue on perpetual problems (and about 69% of couples’ problems are perpetual/unsolvable).
• Repair and de-escalate.  (In any conflict there are two subjective realities and both are right. Take responsibility for your role in the conflict. Dialogue.)
• Accept influence and be open to compromise.

(You can learn more about how to manage conflict in John’s book, The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work.)

The next level of the Sound Relationship House is Making Life Dreams Come True. Sounds kinda schmaltzy, doesn’t it?  That’s what I thought at first too.  Like, duh – we’re married, that’s just expected!  Expected and hoped for – yes.  But often ignored.  Using the skills of accepting influence and compromise, partners can nurture each other’s dreams while maintaining their own.  This actually goes right back to building love maps, the first level of the house, because you need to know your partner’s inner world to really nurture it.

Creating Shared Meaning, the tippy-top level of the Sound Relationship House (but don’t think all pinnacley… John and Julie sometimes say it should actually be a Sound Relationship BAGEL because it’s all pretty circular and inter-related) means sharing goals, narratives, symbols, cultural rituals and legacies.  In other words, building a shared life together and being a family full of meaningful interactions.

If you’ve gotten this far, here’s a little video for you, all about the Gottmans and their work.  I love this video!

OK, so that give-away?  Well, we’re slowly (ever so slowly) going digital and we’ve just created our first iPhone application!  It’s the digital version of the Love Map cards from the Couples Workshop. It focuses on that first level of the Sound Relationship House – friendship and knowing your partner’s world. 

Here’s the plan: you install this app, go out for a romantic dinner, pull out your iPhone over hors deurves, and “play”!  Granted, this isn’t a huge give-away, since you can buy the app yourself for $1.99 here. 

But I’ve never done a give-away on my blog before, so for me it’s big!  :-)

Just leave a comment with feedback about anything you’ve read in this post (not just “I want to win,” but actual feedback) and I’ll randomly choose a winner from both blog and Facebook comments.  No, my blog isn’t big enough to do that random number generator stuff.  You’ll just have to trust me to be fair.

Anaheim and “The Argument Clinic”

I’m in Anaheim, California where The Gottman  Institute is hosting a training for clinicians in Gottman Method Couples Therapy. 

The days are filled with workshop activity (like my little arts and crafts marketing project)…

and the evenings are filled with friends and fun (like my absolutely wonderful visit and three hours of non-stop laughter and timeless connection with my dearest friend and former neighbor, Lisa)…

…and if I had the energy I’d write about it all. 

But tonight the most I can muster is a few tiny tidbits because I’m fading fast and tomorrow is another big day.

I thought you’d enjoy the video that the Gottmans showed to kick off the workshop this morning. There’s nothing like this to really focus audience attention and bring up the topic of conflict. I love this!

“Let’s just say for the sake of argument that I’m always right…”

Our Sunday mornings always include a few absolutes: coffee, a fancier breakfast than, say, Wednesdays, and the Sunday paper.  As Tom and I were sipping coffee and enjoying blueberry pancakes this morning, our conversation was sprinkled with tidbits from the Sunday paper. 

“The Blue Angels fly again at 1:30 today,” Tom informed me, and we decided to try yet again to see them, this time directly under the flight path. 

We’d read and chat, read and chat.

And then I burst out with a sudden guffaw.  It would have a been a mere chuckle a few months ago, before I began my work with The Gottman Relationship Institute.  But this morning it was a full-blown (and very un-ladylike) guffaw when I came upon this comic in Parade Magazine:

Obviously this couple is in need of one of John and Julie’s Couples Workshops where they’d learn that there is no absolute reality when two people fight.  Rather, if you want any hope of constructive conflict management in your relationship it’s important to acknowledge that, when a couple argues, there are always two “subjective realities” and both are right.

That bears repeating: When a couple fights, there is no absolute right or wrong.  Both subjective viewpoints are right.  The point is to understand your partner’s reality, not to argue for your own reality.

This can be incredibly difficult in the throes of conflict.

In the couple’s workshop, John and Julie (and a host of Certified Gottman Therapists) help couples process a recent fight or regrettable incident by considering five basic steps in dealing with their conflict:

1. Each person discusses (without interruption) what s/he was feeling during the conflict.  About 50 different possibilities are provided (from angry to powerless to sad to stupid, and beyond), but obviously there are many more possibilities – and each is true.
2. Both subjective realities are then discussed – without interruption and without getting back into the argument.  (I told you, this isn’t easy!)  Take turns discussing the situation and what your own (subjective) perspective was.  Talk about your feelings and needs. When it’s your turn to talk, talk (about only your feelings and needs)… and when it is your turn to listen, listen.  Once you’ve each had a turn to talk and to listen, validate something (anything!) about your partner’s position.  It might be as simple as saying “I can see why my tone might have upset you” or “I understand why my insistence made you feel unimportant.” 
3. Accept responsibility for your role in the fight.  This as another hard one – and it’s almost impossible to do during a fight… which is why processing the aftermath of a fight is so important.  Admit some factors that might have set you up, from being very stressed lately, to feeling unloved, to not asking for what you need, to… fill-in-the-blank.
4. Next, discuss your own contribution to the fight.  This is often directly related to #3 and it, too, requires you to acknowledge that you each have your subjective reality – and each is right.
5. By this time, if you’ve opened yourself up to accepting influence from your partner and if you’ve acknowledged your own role in the fight, you should be able to discuss together how to make it better next time.  What can you each do during future conflict about this topic to keep things constructive?

If the couple in the cartoon had attended one of John and Julie’s Couple’s Workshops or read one of their books (oh dear, now I’m sounding like a commercial for my employer!), the quote would have said something like, “Let’s just say, for the sake of argument that we each have our own subjective realities and each is right…”

Which really isn’t funny at all… but it is wise.

Behind the scenes at The Gottman Relationship Institute’s “Art & Science of Love” Couples Workshop

Remember way back in February, when Tom and I attended the Gottman Relationship Institute’s Couples Workshop the weekend before I started working there?  It was an incredibly positive experience for us as a couple, giving us tools and vocabulary to help us communicate and work through conflict that we both wish we’d had long before this, our 27th year of marriage. 

Amazingly enough, we really haven’t experienced any real conflict since we took that workshop – largely, I’m sure, because of what we learned there and the real-world skills (and they really are skills) we took away from that experience.

This weekend I went back to the workshop, this time as an employee and (of course) without Tom.  Again, I was mesmerized by John and Julie Gottman’s wisdom, their humor, and their very practical advice.

Instead of being a participant at this workshop, though, I was there to work. Because the Gottman’s schedule is so busy, we often use breaks during workshops to catch up on important business – which we did this weekend as well.  Of course I can’t document any of that in photos, nor can I document the couples workshop (due to privacy concerns for the couples), but I can give you a fun little “backstage tour” of KIRO TV’s filming of a short documentary piece on the Gottmans that took place behind the scenes this weekend.  The final piece will air on August 17th at 10 PM and, judging from the footage they got today, it should be great stuff!

I couldn’t take any photos during the filming, of course, but I got a few shots between takes.

 

   

The interviewer is the articulate, intelligent, and adorable Angela Russell, news anchor at KIRO TV in Seattle.  She and I were able to spend some time together which quickly went from focusing on our lives as professionals to our lives as moms.  Women do that.  Give us 10 minutes and we connect.  Hell, give us 3 minutes and we connect! 

And speaking of connections, here’s one of my favorite new connections:

Lessons learned about marriage – on the weekend of my 27th wedding anniversary

After 20-some intensely busy years raising four children who were born within five short years, Tom and I are now empty nesters -- and while many weekends include a visit from at least one of our kids, we are more and more often on our own for a week or two (or more)at a time.

We realized about a week ago that, with Aleks in school in the Czech Republic, Peter away at summer school at WSU, Kat heading to a friend’s cabin for the long weekend, and Elisabeth with plans of her own, we’d be spending the three-day holiday weekend, the weekend of our 27th wedding anniversary, alone… together.

On Saturday morning, we packed our suitcases and the only “child” left at home – Shasta -- and headed to Portland for a quick, impromptu 24-hour trip. 

We toured Portland’s breweries, spending an afternoon drinking beer and meeting great people…

That’s Shawn, our waiter at the Rogue Brewery and, with his keen anticipatory ESP and genuinely nice personality, quite possibly one of the best waiters we’ve ever had anywhere.

This pretzel at Deschutes Brewery was incredible! That dipping sauce is cheese sauce and sweet-spicy Dijon mustard – fabulous!

That’s authentic Polish kielbasa and perogi – delicious!

Our anniversary dinner – or rather, the lava cake dessert, at The Chart House. 

(I’m beginning to realize that our trip centered largely around food!)

On Sunday we headed back to Seattle in the typical drizzly Pacific Northwest weather, arriving home early in the evening, with another whole day of the holiday weekend ahead of us.  We decided to watch a movie together and settled on Valentine’s Day, a romantic comedy.  I’m sure Tom would have rather watched a movie with explosions, car chases, and boobs, but he was happy to oblige when I suggested something a bit less testosterone-laden.

True to form and completely and totally beyond my control, I fell asleep at least 23 times during the two hour movie, waking up enough to apologize for insisting on a movie and then sleeping through it – to which Tom just nodded knowingly. 

At one point, I woke up to hear someone (Ashton Kutcher?) say to someone else (Jennifer Gardner) something about “marrying your best friend.” 

‘Yup,’ I remember thinking before nodding off again, ‘marrying your best friend really is the secret.’

Marry your best friend… marry your best friend.  As I half-dozed, the phrase danced in my head, and I mulled it around and pondered it – half awake and half dreaming.

As the credits rolled, I apologized again for sleeping through the movie, then kissed Tom goodnight, saying I had to go to bed, that I couldn’t stay up one second longer.  He jokingly commented that he knows me well enough after all these years to expect nothing different. 

Marry your best friend. 

As I sleepily headed upstairs I realized that this is the secret to our very busy, family-oriented first 27 years together – and that this is what will see us through the much calmer, much quieter next 27 years of marriage (should we be so lucky). 

I married my best friend – someone who shares almost all of my core values and philosophies, from child rearing to home decor to politics.  In this regard, we are of one mind.  Interestingly, though, Tom’s basic personality, as well as his hobbies and interests, are totally different from mine.  In that regard, we are yin and yang.

Being best friends who are looking at another 27 (relatively quiet, childless) years together, we decided to go look at one of these today:

So if my kids (or anyone else) should ask me the secret to a good marriage and the secret to actually wanting to spend days or weeks on end with someone in 86 square feet of space, I’d tell them what I’ve learned, not only in the past 30-some years of knowing Tom, but in the past 3 or so months of working at The Gottman Relationship Institute.  I’d tell them the same thing that my “boss,” Dr. John Gottman has learned in his 30-some years of doing research on relationships: friendship is paramount.  All the other stuff – passion and dreams and goals – are really, really important, but a foundation in true friendship and really enjoying your partner’s company most of the time is what everything else in a relationship is built on, and if you don’t have that, it’s much more challenging to move together smoothly among the stages of life, from courtship to marriage to family to empty nesting and beyond.

We’re approaching the “beyond” stage now.  Twenty-seven years ago, I thought of people at this stage of life, and in this stage of a relationship, as OLD and boring.  Now I know that, although we might be approaching (gasp!) old (but please, NOT boring!), we’re still married and still best friends and nothing can be better than that.

My new employer, The Gottman Relationship Institute, has a new website!

Check it out at www.gottman.com!

Would love to hear your thoughts, suggestions, and feedback!

Good ol’ Gottman!

In honor of completing my first month as Director of Professional Development at The Gottman Institute, I am finally answering some questions, via a few video clips, about my wonderful new gig.

Although I still have much to learn and probably will be in heavy-duty absorption mode for at least another 6 months, I already know that I have found the place where I hope to spend the remainder of my career.  The differences between Microsoft and the Gottman Institute are immense.  At Microsoft, crisis mode seemed to be the norm and projects were cranked through with project management perfection and precision but with little regard for personal satisfaction or positive interpersonal communication.  At the Gottman Institute everything is about strong, supportive relationships and positive, effective communication, both philosophically as an institute, because this is the focus of John’s research, and in our offices on an hour-to-hour, day-to-day basis. 

So who is this Gottman guy, you ask?  Here’s a flavor of who he is as a person, what his research has found, and the theories and practices he’s built around that research. 

Pretty cool, eh? Total common sense… backed by tons of research.

You should know, too, that like many successful men John is buoyed by a strong, supportive, intelligent, and organized woman behind the scenes – in this case his wonderful wife, Julie, who is an amazing therapist in her own right and is the Institute’s Clinical Director (and whom I adore!). 

Although Julie’s as involved in the workshops and trainings as John is (and she devises much of their content), she isn’t as well-known as John so there aren’t as many video clips focusing on her, but I love the way she presents material, both to the couples who come for the Art and Science of Love workshops and to our clinical trainings (“my” department).  Here’s a little snippet of Julie (unfortunately just her voice), talking to therapists:

So John started out kinda like my friend Grover here, just asking some questions about marriage…

… and look where he is now! 

Which kinda gets the marketer side of my brain all excited!  I can just SEE John and Julie on Sesame Street, talking to kids (and Muppets) about the importance of being friends, showing appreciation, resolving conflict with gentleness, and developing a positive perspective toward one another.  Lots of parents watch Sesame Street with their kids at just the time in the life of the family when these lessons become more and more important – for everyone!

And then we’ll get John and Julie into the work/office environment, where maybe they could address some of the toxicity often found there. Now THAT would totally rock, dontcha think?! 

Gottman’s 7 Principles of making relationships work – at home AND at work

The day I accepted the position of Director of Professional Development at the Gottman Institute late last month, I gave two weeks’ notice at the Microsoft agency where I had been a Senior Project Manager for the past two years and anxiously awaited my Gottman start date of February 22nd.  That date coincidentally came the day after a weekend couples workshop presented by Drs John and Julie Gottman, which I had wanted to attend for years, and to which Tom and I were now graciously invited to attend.

I had heard for years that the couples workshop, called The Art and Science of Love (so called because it’s based solidly on scientific research by Dr. John Gottman) was life altering -- or at least relationship altering -- and I was excited to now have the opportunity to experience it for ourselves. 

It’s true.  By the end of the second day we had been given both the tools and the vocabulary to strengthen our relationship in the most profoundly simple, yet absolutely effective ways. 

Dr. Gottman speaks of seven principles that can be used to strengthen relationships.  Taken together, he calls these principles “The Sound Relationship House,” and this theory forms the basis of the Gottman Approach.  Briefly, the seven principles, which are not independent, but rather, which build sequentially on one another to form a strong relationship, are (in Dr. Gottman’s words):

1. Build Love Maps. The foundation of the house, The Love Map, is a road map of one's partner's inner psychological world. The fundamental process is asking open-ended questions. It involves the couple knowing one another and periodically updating this knowledge.
2. Share Fondness & Admiration. The second story of the house is The Fondness & Admiration System, which is the antidote for contempt. The fundamental process is changing a habit of mind from scanning the environment for people's mistakes and then correcting them to scanning the environment for what one's partner is doing right and building a culture of appreciation, fondness, affection, and respect. 
3. Turn Towards. Turning towards your partner involves bids for emotional connection. The fundamental process is building awareness of how one's partner asks for connection and expresses emotional needs, and deciding to turn toward these bids rather than turning away or against them. (The movie "Sliding Doors" is about how small choices can hugely affect the course of a couple's life. Life is full of these "sliding door" moments, which are opportunities to turn toward one's partner.)
4. The Positive Perspective. These three stories build the fourth story, which is basically a free add-on when the other layers are strong. If the first three levels of the Sound Relationship House are not working, then even neutral or positive messages are perceived as negative and the person is hyper-vigilant for negativity. (There is a "chip on the shoulder.")
5. Manage Conflict. The next story of the house consists of two parts of conflict regulation. Couples need to identify the core issues and the anatomy of repeating negative cycles in their relationship. Couples need help to understand what triggers escalation (e.g., defensiveness, criticism, contempt, belligerence), and what the story is of these triggers in each person's past history (either within the relationship or not). Conflicts are one of two types.

For couple problems that are resolvable, there are Four Parts of Effective Problem Solving. These are Softened Startup, Accepting Influence, Repair and De-escalation (including physiological soothing), and Compromise.

For couple problems that are perpetual and probably not resolvable, in order to avoid couple "gridlock," it is necessary that the couple establish what we call a "dialogue" with the perpetual problem. This involves a great deal of positive affect (interest, affection, humor, empathy, excitement, softening) even when discussing a disagreement.  There needs to be a ratio of 5 to 1 positive-to-negative affect for this to be really effective.

6. Make Life Dreams and Aspirations Come True. What is the basis of a continued positive emotional connection even during conflict? Therapists once believed that if conflicts were resolved, positive affects or feelings of all types would rush into the couple's world by themselves, like air rushes into a vacuum. Not true. Positive affect systems need to be built intentionally. This includes play, fun, and exploration/adventure. This level of the Sound Relationship House is also about helping one's partner realize important life dreams and making the relationship, in general, effective at Making Dreams and Aspirations Come True. This aspect of relationship is the basis of unlocking conflict gridlock, in which the couple's values within a position in the gridlocked conflict are explored and understood.
7. Create Shared Meaning. Finally, we have "the attic" of the house, where people either intentionally create, or do not create, a sense of shared meaning in their life together. A relationship involves building a life together, and that life is full of meaning. In the way the couple moves through time together, in how they prioritize their time, and their resources, in the stories they tell one another about their lives, their ancestors, their culture, their beliefs, and their legacy, in the way they decide to have things and events in their lives have meaning, they create this shared meaning system.

Pretty cool, eh?  It’s amazing how powerful it is to have the vocabulary and the tools to make simple adjustments to how we approach each other and how we deal with conflict.  Tom and I have  had a relatively strong relationship for30 years, but had we known back then what we learned this weekend, we could have gone into our marriage having the tools to deal with conflict much better.  

With the impact of the weekend couples workshop still fresh and strong, I arrived at my the Gottman Institute offices yesterday for my first day of work, absolutely honored and thrilled to be there.  During the one-on-one morning orientation with the wonderful operations manager, I was given a document which began with “we are a team, working together towards a common goal.”  If you’ve read this blog for any amount of time, you know that this is exactly how I feel a work environment and work relationships should be approached, so you can imagine how reading these words made me feel.

Schmaltzy as it sounds, I immediately felt that I had found exactly what I’ve been looking for!  I immediately felt at home.

The document went on to explain that Dr. Gottman’s seven principles of a strong relationship apply to our work relationships and environment as well and that we practice what we preach.  Specifically, we are encouraged at work to:

1. Build awareness (building maps) of what is happening in our co-workers’ worlds.  This basically comes down to (my read on it, anyway) caring about those you work with, not just as co-workers, but as people.
2. Demonstrate appreciation (admiration) for our co-workers’ contributions, accomplishments, efforts, talents, etc., and letting them know. This is so important at work, especially between strata of a hierarchy!
3. Pay attention and initiating contact (turning towards) to strengthen work relationships beyond simply accomplishing tasks together.  My favorite line here is “this could be spending an extra couple of minutes at the beginning of a business conversation to check in with one another or express appreciation.”  This effort and this time is anything but wasted!
4. Understand that a positive perspective helps in every aspect of our work lives and work relationship.  How can it not?!
5. Use the same principles of managing conflict the Dr. Gottman speaks of to couples -- softened start-up (in other words, being gentle and kind with each other), accepting influence, effective repairs, and respecting perspective reality – to manage conflict in the work place when (not if) it occurs.
6. The document states here simply that “in the big picture, our organizational mission is to better the human condition by helping people strengthen their relationships through improved skills.  On a small-picture basis, this translates into working together…”  This is a huge “DUH” that I believe so many companies, big and small, don’t pay enough attention to!
7. Create shared meaning at work by supporting each team member’s individual positive contributions (creative and task-oriented) and understanding that all of our contributions support both each other and the organizational mission.

So everything that we learned over the weekend about strengthening personal relationships applies as well to strengthening work relationships and thus the influence and impact we have as an organization.  It’s such an obvious connection, but one that I think far too few businesses really get!

Don’t worry – this won’t now become a “Gottman Blog.”  But I did want to write about my “lessons learned” both at the couples workshop and on my first day of employment there!  It is truly an extraordinary organization filled with  extraordinary people!

The specifics

I am so excited to announce “the specifics” of my new position! Starting in a few short weeks, once I wrap up my project management work with technology and marketing projects with Microsoft, I will be taking a 180 degree turn and dive into my new position as the Manager of Professional Development at The Gottman Institute!

The mission of the Gottman Institute, as stated on their web site, really sums it up:

“We understand that the human family is in crisis, and that all individuals are capable of and deserve compassion. It is our mission to reach out to families in order to help create and maintain greater love and health in relationships. We are committed to an ongoing program of research that increases the understanding of relationships and adds to the development of interventions that have been carefully evaluated. It is our goal to make our services accessible to the broadest reach of people across race, religion, class, culture, sexual orientation, and ethnicity. We are also committed to the care and support of our Institute team, as we know that compassion must begin with ourselves.”

Also as noted on The Gottman Institute’s website… “Today, with divorce rates of 50%, couples face severe challenges and seek a scientifically sound therapy to help them in the real world. Part of the mission of the Gottman Institute is to empower therapists to provide this help to couples and families. Accordingly, the Gottman Institute offers accredited training in research-based assessment techniques and intervention strategies for mental health professionals, allied professionals and clergy who wish to serve today's couples and families.”

Specifically, I will be overseeing this training program in Gottman Method Couples Therapy. (I won’t be conducting the therapy myself, of course; I will be managing the program that certifies mental health professionals to do so.)

Can you see why I am so completely honored to have been chosen to join their team (apparently from an applicant pool of quite a few hundred)?

If you want to learn more (or realize that you’ve already read a bunch of John Gottman’s books), here’s a reading list for you:

• The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work
• Why Marriages Succeed or Fail… and how you can make yours last
• And Baby Makes Three
• And many, many more!

I’ve also seen mention of Gottman's work in Blink, by Malcolm Gladwell. (“How do we make decisions--good and bad--and why are some people so much better at it than others?”)

You will surely be hearing more (to the extent appropriate and possible, of course). I'm sure that this job will blur the lines between “work” and “life” because my heart will truly be fully engaged in both.

I am still pinching myself and grinning ear to ear at my good fortune to have been asked to join the amazing team at this wonderful Institute, and I can hardly wait to jump in!